laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My ATM looks so different sober.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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