Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
