Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
