He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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