my phone needs a breathalizer
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
