how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
