help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
