I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
