I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
