dude i'm inner monologue high
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
