I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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