When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
