I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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