He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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