Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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