he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
