We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
