I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
