My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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