I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
