I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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