Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
