paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
