Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
