Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
