I'm lost and stupid without you.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
