They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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