she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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