so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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