Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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