did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
