blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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