I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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