Even the bartender felt bad for me
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
