why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
