my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
