she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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