My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
