He disabled his match.com account in front of me
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
