Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
