sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
