I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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