I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
