I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
