He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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