I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She even gives head with a lisp.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
