I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
