i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize