The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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