I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
