She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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