my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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