I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
