I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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