so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Randomize
