My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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