Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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