That's intense
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
