new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
