My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
