farters have to be the big spoon...
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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